


Before You Go

by Ftballfangrl



Series: Kissmas 2019 [3]
Category: Men's Football RPF
Genre: M/M, WWWY deleted scene, very angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-16
Updated: 2019-12-16
Packaged: 2021-02-26 00:54:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,295
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21824842
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ftballfangrl/pseuds/Ftballfangrl
Summary: 6 Days of Kissmas - A collection fics based around a kiss prompt & a song lyricDay 3 - when A grabs the B’s face and says “please - please” before devouring B’s mouth without waiting for a response.Song - Before You Go by Lewis Capaldi
Relationships: Dele Alli/Eric Dier
Series: Kissmas 2019 [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1568953
Comments: 2
Kudos: 36





	Before You Go

**Author's Note:**

> A deleted scene from When We Were Young.  
Fair warning this is not happy...

_ ‘So, before you go was there something I could've said to make your heart beat better?’  _

When Eric was younger his Mum had always had this saying. It was something along the lines of ‘the only way to get through something hard is to do it.’ He was pretty she had actually been a lot more eloquent than that but as he sat in his car waiting, the feeling that those words had given him as a young boy settled in his stomach. She had first told him that when he’d moved to the academy, before his parents left and he was without them for the first time in his life. She’d repeated them down the years, when he’d left to go on loan at Everton, when he’d split up with Maria. Those words had always been there, echoing in the back of his mind whenever he was going through something tough. In the past they had bolstered him, allowed him to think clearly and just do what needed to be done. Not this time though. No, this time all those words did was add to the weight that was sitting on chest and stir the feeling of unease that had settled in his stomach. 

His time was almost up. 

A chorus of shouts lifted him from his thoughts and he glanced in his rear view mirror. A group of people had just exited the double doors that led to the reception and his chest constricted as he noticed Dele break away from the rest of them, a hand up in goodbye as he walked towards the car. As he watched him approach Eric’s eyes flickered towards the glove box and he gripped the steering wheel to try and distract him from the nervous energy that was coursing through his body. He had to tell Dele and it had to be today. He could feel the weight of the papers in his hands as he waited for Dele to open the door, could picture the words, see his signature on the bottom line. It was happening, there was nothing that could change it and he really, really needed to tell Dele. 

But how do you tell someone you are leaving when they have told you that you are their home? 

The sting of tears pricked the back of his eyes and Eric shook his head. He needed to get Dele home first, needed him to be safe and sitting down. He’d been trying to tell him for the last fourteen days, since the moment he’d walked out of the manager’s office after being told he was no longer needed at the club. Dele had met him in the canteen, all bouncy and hyper, chattering away about how he’d finally managed to catch up with Sonny. He hadn’t been able to get a word in edgeways and the moment had passed. And that’s how it had been or more how he had allowed it to be for two weeks. He’d allowed Dele to fill any and every silence between them, had allowed Dele to dictate what they did and he’d shoved the fact of him leaving far enough away that it had stopped roaring in his head. 

Two weeks had seemed like long enough to work out a way to tell him. Fourteen days to figure out how to frame it so that it didn’t spell the end for them, that they could make it work. But then he’d fall into bed with Dele at the end of the day and they would become so wrapped up in each other that he’d forget. Or Dele would catch his mouth with his in the corridor at Enfield and it would feel so new and exciting that he just wanted to live in the moment. There had been one evening where he’d planned on telling him, had it all sorted in his head. But then Dele had walked through the door, stripping off as he walked over to where Eric was sat on the sofa before dropping to his knees in front of him. He’d kissed Eric’s fingertips and his voice was husky as he’d said “I won’t ever get tired of loving you,” before helping Eric out of his clothes and taking him to pieces with his mouth, all coherent thought dissolving under the hot wetness of Dele’s tongue.

He was a coward and the thought of having to tell Dele that he had been sat on this news for two weeks made him feel sick. It all felt so unfair, that they had only just started to figure it all out and now it was being ripped away from them. Eric’s mood had been a pendulum, swinging from guttering despair to an almost incandescent anger every time he thought about it. The options he had been given, to stay and flounder on the bench or leave had left him no choice. He loved Dele but he couldn’t sacrifice his career for him, not whilst he still had so much of it ahead of him. He just wished they had had longer than three months, wished that he’d had the chance to love Dele like he deserved to be loved, the chance to show him how he had become his whole world. 

“Please tell me that we are allowed a cheat meal tonight, I feel like I’m dying.” Dele’s voice was loud and happy and it pierced Eric’s gut. He took a breath to steady himself and turned to smile at Dele who was pulling on his seatbelt. His cheeks were still a bit flushed from training and he stretched out his legs, prodding at his thigh muscles. Eric resisted the urge to reach over and grab his hand choosing instead to start the car. He could do this. It was going to hurt but he could do it. He would tell Dele and they would promise to make it work and everything would be fine. “I hate running,” Dele said kicking his trainers off and tucking his legs up in front of him. “Well no, I like running when I score at the end of it. Running around a field though? That really ain’t it.” Eric laughed in spite of the nerves that were eating away at him and Dele smiled at him. He leaned forward and tapped on the touch screen in the centre of the dashboard before pulling his phone out of his pocket. Within a few seconds a song was blasting from the speakers and Dele was doing a stupid little shoulder wiggle. Eric pressed his foot on the accelerator and Dele started singing along as he drove them out of the car park. 

It was a clear day and the sun was shining, bouncing off the cars around them and Eric squinted as he concentrated on the road. Dele was still humming along to the music, his initial burst of energy settled into something a little calmer. Eric stole quick glances at him and the little smile that played at the corner of Dele’s mouth made his stomach lurch. He was staring out of the window, moving his lips along with Drake’s voice and Eric wished he could take his phone out and capture the moment. He already had what must have been hundreds of photos of Dele on his phone but he wanted to add the way he looked now to his collection. He was happy and content. Eric knew he was thinking about spending another night with him, wrapped up in white sheets because he was idly dancing his fingertips over the inside of his thighs. The movement made Eric want to take out those papers out and rip them up. Spending his nights with Dele, waking up to him every morning was all he’d wanted for so long and now he was on the brink of shattering everything. 

The thought almost made him swerve off the road. 

“Earth to Diet.” Dele’s voice cut across his thoughts and Eric shook his head and adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. He attempted to school his face into a happy expression but Dele’s brow was furrowed and Eric knew he could tell something was off. “Was the blow job last night that good that you still can’t stop thinking about it?” Dele asked, his face straightening out into a smirk. Eric forced a laugh and swatted at Dele’s arm. He couldn’t say anything, couldn’t respond. All he could think about was how in another universe there was another version of himself who was still wanted by his club, who was happy and in love and was able to think about the future he was going to have with the man he loved by his side. That Eric would have picked Dele up and reached across to pull him into a kiss as soon as he got in the car. He would have spent the whole car journey with his hand on Dele’s leg, fingers applying pressure to that specific spot on his thigh. He would have smiled as Dele reached over and tickled the back of his neck as he drove, the sensation sending shivers down his spine. 

“Got any of my sweets in here?” Dele’s voice was distant and Eric didn’t register what the question had actually been until it was too late. The click of the glove box snapped his attention back to the present and a rush of saliva filled his mouth as he watched Dele reach inside.

_ Please don’t find the papers, please don’t find the papers, please don’t find -  _

“What’s this?” the innocence in Dele’s tone made Eric feel like he might throw up all over the steering wheel and he shook his head, trying to force some sort of response out of his mouth. This wasn’t supposed to be happening. This was not how he had planned it. The two weeks he’d had to tell Dele flashed before his eyes and his hands slipped on the steering wheel, palms slick with sweat. 

“Eric?” 

“It’s - I - “

“Are these transfer papers?”

The change in Dele’s voice, the way it sounded so small made Eric close his eyes briefly. His heart was hammering against his ribcage and he fought to concentrate on the road in front of him. He could hear the rustle of the papers as Dele unfolded them, as he flipped through each page. Eric almost knew the document off by heart by now and his pulse roared in his ears as he thought about Dele getting to the end and seeing his signature, seeing the date. 

“Pull over.” 

“What?”

“Pull over.”

It wasn’t a question or a suggestion, it was a demand. They were on the country lane that they used as a shortcut to Dele’s house and Eric checked his rear view mirror before pulling over in front of a large gate, car tucked just away from the edge of the road. He idled the engine and dropped his hands into his lap. There was a click as Dele unfastened his seatbelt and a slight squeak of the leather as he shifted next to him. He stared down at his hands, wondering how on earth he had allowed this to happen. The papers appeared under his gaze and his eyes burned as he looked up at Dele. 

“You’re leaving.”

The words sliced through Eric’s heart and he realised that up until now it hadn’t felt real. He took a jagged breath in and tried to ignore the searing pain in his lungs. Dele dropped the papers onto his fists and Eric stared at him, trying to read his expression. 

“When were you going to tell me?” 

“I wanted to tell you as soon as it happened but I just haven’t been able to find the words.”

“So you thought you’d spend two weeks fucking me senseless and pretend like it wasn’t happening instead? Do you not think I had a right to know?” 

“It’s not like that Del. I haven’t even come to terms with it myself. I needed to figure out how to tell you.”

“Did you request it?”

The question took him by surprise and he snapped his head up, instinctively reaching out to wrap his fingers around Dele’s wrist. Dele didn’t pull away, just stared back waiting for an answer. Eric’s mind was racing, his thoughts were a maelstrom and he felt like he’d lost purchase on anything that could keep him steady. How could Dele think that he’d do that? How could he think that Eric would actually want to leave? 

And it hit him. Because that’s what people did in Dele’s world. 

“No. I did not.”

Relief flashed across Dele’s eyes but it was quickly replaced with something like steel and Eric swallowed, scrambling desperately around his mind for anything he could say that would come close to fixing things. He tightened his grip on Dele’s wrist, tugged on it lightly until he shuffled closer, angled his body to face him. Silence sat between them and Dele stared down at his arm, lifted his hand slowly to run his fingers over the bumps of Eric’s knuckles. When he looked back up at him, his eyes were shining and Eric felt as though the bottom of his world had fallen through.

He was leaving. He was leaving and he hadn’t told Dele and he’d robbed them of the chance to spend time saying a proper goodbye. He was going to have to get on a plane and start a new chapter of his life knowing that he’d messed this up. That he’d taken the one thing that meant more to him than anything else and he had ruined it. That was the look that shone in Dele’s eyes as he searched his face for a sign that he hadn’t shattered his chance to try and make this work. 

“You’re leaving,” Dele repeated and Eric felt like he couldn’t breath. He nodded slowly, not bothering to reach up and wipe away the tears that rolled down his cheek. He encased Dele’s other hand with his own and rubbed the back of it with his thumb. Dele didn’t pull it away but he didn’t react either, just sat there and stared somewhere over Eric’s shoulder. He’d seen that look before. The one he got when he retreated into himself and put up those walls that kept everyone else out. Eric’s stomach twisted and he released Dele’s wrist and reached up, tentatively cupping Dele’s face with his palm. 

“Del. Listen to me. I didn’t want this.”

“But you are going.”

“I don’t have a choice.”

At that a single tear escaped the corner of Dele’s eye and Eric caught it with the tip of his thumb. He felt helpless and angry. He wanted to turn his car around and storm back into Enfield, demand that they come up with another solution. But he was powerless. Everything had been decided for him and now he had to deal with the consequences. 

“I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. That you kept this from me.” 

There it was, the one thing Eric had been scared of. He tilted Dele’s face towards him and wrapped the other hand around the back of his neck. He leaned forward and pressed his forehead to Dele’s, breathing into the space between them. Dele sighed, hands curled in his lap and Eric wanted to pull him closer, gather him in his lap and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” 

He couldn’t say anything else. Dele pulled away from him, just a few inches and Eric let his hand fall to Dele’s chest. He kept the other one on his neck and he squeezed, waiting for Dele to fill the silence. He wanted him to shout, to hit him to do  _ something.  _ But he didn’t, he just sat there in Eric’s grip with tears in his eyes. 

“Del. Say something, do something, anything.”

“I don’t want you to go.”

The words shattered Eric’s heart in his chest and he didn’t care if there was an armrest in his way, he leaned forward and pulled Dele back close. His heart was pounding and his mind was racing, the reality of what was happening, making it hard to think straight. There was nothing he could say that was going to put this right. He couldn’t turn back the clock and tell the club he’d stay, tell Dele the moment it had happened. 

He couldn’t do anything but place his hand on Dele’s chin, tilt his face towards him and look into those hazel eyes. He couldn’t do anything but wipe his thumb over Dele’s bottom lip and take in the face that he would soon have to say goodbye too. 

“Del. I’m sorry, you have to believe me. Please - please.”

And without waiting for a response he placed his mouth on Dele’s and drew him into a kiss that he hoped communicated even a tenth of what he felt. It was open mouthed, salty from their tears and Dele melted into him almost immediately. Dele bunched Eric’s jumper into his fist and ran his other hand over his shoulder, pulling him as close as being in separate seats allowed. Eric wrapped his arm around Dele’s waist, gripped his neck with the other and tightened his grip. Dele licked into his mouth and Eric bit at his bottom lip and they became lost in each other. It was desperate and frantic and Eric wanted to pause time so that he could fill every waking moment he had with this, with Dele and the feel of his body under his touch. 

He traced a path of kisses over Dele’s jaw, down his neck and pressed his mouth to the tender flesh over his pulse point. He pressed his fingertips into Dele’s back as he nipped at soft skin and sucked away the teeth marks. He recaptured Dele’s lips with his own and ran his tongue along the roof of his mouth, drawing a groan from the back of Dele’s throat. Dele responded by biting his bottom lip, licking over it and breathing heavily into his mouth. He dug his fingertips into the nape of his neck and pulled at his jumper until his hand brushed against the warmth of Eric’s skin. They became so wrapped up in each other and Eric made to lift Dele over the armrest, wanting to envelope him completely in his arms. 

Suddenly Dele broke away and Eric fell forward slightly, eyes wide. He watched as Dele straightened himself up and silently reached for the papers, as he read over them one more time before folding them up and putting them back in the glove box. He watched as Dele tugged on his jumper and pulled on his shoes. He watched as he took a deep breath and wiped away the next lot of tears that were ready to fall. 

“What are you doing?”

“I have to - I need some - Eric I can’t do this.”

“What do you mean?”

“I’m - I’m gonna walk the rest of the way.”

Eric opened his mouth to tell him not to be ridiculous but the chance never came. Before he could formulate the sentence, before he could summon any sort of protest, Dele reached over and placed his hand on the door handle. He opened it and looked at Eric one more time before slipping from his seat, closing the door with a soft click behind him. Eric sat stock still, unable to process what had just happened. All he could do was watch Dele walk down the side of the road and let the tears fall as he realised how badly he had screwed it all up. 


End file.
